Nostalgia critic reviews Sex Life on Deck
by funfan1
Summary: Nostalgia Critic Reviews Sex Life on Deck
1. Chapter 1

When its writtin in **bold** it means Nostalgia Critic is talking while reading the story. when its writtin in _italic its the story _and when its normal text its just the critic talking.

* * *

NC: (voiceover): (talks in a low, exhausted voice similar to Max Payne, and will do so for the rest of the review; there are camera shots of him tossing and turning on his hotel bed, plus a shot of him staring out a window) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, but just barely. I'm at a con in Ohio called Animarathon, but that's not the reason I'm writing this. I'm writing this because…I have nothing to review. Oh, I read a story—Good fuck God, I read a story!—but it is a story that's so dumb, so ridiculous, so not engaging, that I literally have nothing to say about it. It's the third time that's ever happened, and I wonder if I can ever review again because of it. This genocide of imagination goes under the name…"**Sex Life on Deck**."

(Nostalgia Critic crosses his eyes and collapses backward on the bed)

NC: I literally got dumber reading this story. It has nothing interesting, no interesting story, no interesting characters even a half-assed "Roger Rabbit" reunion couldn't possibly make this enjoyable!

( NC stares expressionless into space.)

NC (voiceover): God help me for its sins. All I can do is sit here and ponder how. How could this film have made so little an impact? Well, let's start at the beginning.

NC (voiceover): At first, I wrongfully raised my expectations when I see the author **Funfan1**, the same author of "Savior Of Kansas," but where that story came from actual genius this is…nonsense. Lets start we start off with London played by Brenda Song lying on the sun deck.

* * *

_One day on the S.S. Tipton London is lying on the sun deck in a sweater and blue jeans. She Looks Mad._

_"London, what are you doing?" Cody asks._

_"Oh, Hi Cody! I'm trying to get a tan. And it's not going to good" replied London_

**NC (voiceover) Yeah I wonder why so Zach suggests she take her jeans and shirt off. so she dose the twins agree she looks great and hands Zach her clothes and the twins walk off as if they just saw a goddess.**

_Zack and Cody start walking towards London's Cabin. _

_"That's it! I can't take it anymore!" shouts Zack._

_"You can't take what anymore?" ask Cody._

_"Seeing London naked!" Here take her bra. I'm going to go to my cabin get a camera and take some pictures."_

_"Okay. And when u get then developed get duplicates so i can have some."_

_"Will do buddy." Says Zack. Zack runs out of site._

* * *

**NC (voiceover:) So Cody continues down the hall walks in and in to the room were Baily has just emerged from the shower.**

_"Cody! What are you doing in here!" Says Bailey shyly while trying to cover up her boobs and pussy._

_"Ummmmm. London asked me to bring up the clothes she was wearing so she could get a tan."_

_"Ya right!" shouts Bailey "Prove it!"_

_Cody shows Bailey the clothes he brought up_

_"So you're telling me that London is laying butt naked on the sky deck."_

_"Yep"_

**NC (voiceover): (talks through his clenched teeth) He's holding her clothes. what more proof do you need?**

_"__You've got to be fucking me!"_

_"Okay." Cody stands up and starts to undress_

_"What are you doing?" Bailey asked nervously_

_"You said that I had to be fucking you. So that's what I'm going to do. Fuck you"_

_"I was using that as an expression! I'm not going to have sex with you!"_

_"Later?"_

_"Maybe"_

_"Can I at least see you naked and get some pics?_

_"That much I'll let you do."_

**NC (voiceover): so he takes some photo's and she kicks him out. Good thing too back on the sun deck we see Zach taking pictures of London who has fallen asleep.**

_London snores _

"Sweet London fell asleep." _Zack strips down to nothing and starts sticking his 6 inch long cock in and out of London's Pussy. _"I hope she doesn't wake up when I'm doing this."

NC (voiceover): (stands up to stare off-screen in horror) My God! I suddenly remember. This ship has no security! (a demonic choir begins to sing as Zach starts fucking London) Sweet Jesus alive! No one should ever have to see that! This is supposed to be a Disney show, and yet, strangely enough, that penis looks like the horrifying love-child of Andre the Giant and Gollum!

Cody comes running up "Zack you'll never guess what I just saw!"

"What." Zack replies not seeming to care.

"I saw Bailey naked!"

"What! I don't believe you."

"Here's prove!"_ show's Zack the pics. _"Wow. Lucky."

* * *

**NC (voiceover): (sarcastic) Yes, that makes sense. Why take a couple pictures too jerk off too when you can stick your cock into a hot stupid bitch? Except, you know, make it the fuck little more creepy. (Zach continues to fuck sleeping London ) I wouldn't mind so much, except that the fact that taking nude photos of Debby Ryan actually seems more convincing than FUCKING Brenda Song in her sleep!**

(Cut to footage of activity going on at Animarathon and the smiling faces of the attendees as NC walks through the con)

NC (voiceover): But it only got worse. As I walked through the con seeing all the happy faces and their cheerful costumes, I knew…that they…had not read "Sex Life on Deck." (whispers) How I envy them. (normal voice) It made me think about the so-called _needs _we all have.

Back to the story

**NC (voiceover): Suddenly Mr. Mosbey walks around the corner and sees London naked and Zack naked on top of her and Cody off the side staring out into the ocean.**

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!" Shouts Mr. Mosbey. "Zack just wait until your mother hears about this!"

"Zack no please Mr. Mosbey Anything but telling mother."

"Fine let's make a deal you have to write a one-thousand word

essay on the history of the Tipton's! As for you London wait for me in my cabin." said Mr. Mosbey.

**NC (voiceover): Ok now this is really creepy**.

"One-thousand!"

"Fine Two-Thousand!"

"Two-Thousand!"

"Fine make it a one-million word essay"

"Zack, I would shut up if i were you. Because this is one essay I'm not writing for you."

"What! Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I was board and I didn't feel like moving."


	2. Chapter 2

Rember when its written in **bold** it means Nostalgia Critic is talking while reading the story. when its writtin in _italic its the story _and when its normal text its just the critic talking.

* * *

_can't believe Mr. Mosby is making you guys do a one-million __word__ essay on the Tipton's!" Shouts Carrie "What did you two do!"_

_"We had fun" replied Zack_

_"For once Zack isn't lying" Cody stated_

_"Huh. I better go down and have a nice little chat with him then" said Carrie_

"**A little chat" the fuck dose that mean?**

_As Carrie walks away her jean shorts and her tang top fall off leaving her in a bright blue bra and white panties. _

_"That was a sight I never thought i would see." said Zack and Cody simultaneously._

**I think it just means…Zack made it up. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what she's saying. You can take this sound**…(a fart sound effect)…**but through Zack's bullshit interpretation…(**Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" plays**)**

(A photo of a human butt is shown with an arrow pointing to it and the caption "Next Mozart; "Mozfart"?)

**And then we get horrific-ness. This next part actually is fucking…fucking creepy.**

_15 minutes later in Mr. Mosby's cabin_

_"OUCH! Not so hard Mr. Mosby!"_

_"I'm done now anyway." said Mr. Mosby "If I ever catch you or your little friends doing that again your next experience will be a lot harder and a lot longer."_

_"Okay. I'm going to go up to my room now" said London while she was walking away._

_On the way London and Carrie meet_

_"Oh. Hi Carrie" said London cheerfully_

_"Ahh, Hi London. May I ask why you're naked?" asked Carrie curiously_

_"Oh I was having sex with Mr. Mosby after he caught me with Zack and Cody"_

_"They did what now!" shouted Carrie_

**Now that's a normal reaction.**

_"Calm down, I know your mad. So I'll pay you if you forget about it" Said London as she pulled out $1,000,000,000 from the purse that was hanging over her shoulder._

**You know I may be wrong but isn't the guy usually the one paying for sex**

_"That'll work. Now this means a lot to me London." Says Carrie "but (something tells me I'm going to regret this Carrie says under her breath)_

**Oh yes you will lady**

_but you and who ever you want can have ... sex with Zack and Cody."_

_"Great! Well see you around Carrie!" Says London as she walks away_

**Oh, look, she made a deal with the mom. She paid for sex. As if this story was honestly trying to market itself to an older audience. Yeah, let's face it, story, you're made for rocks**.

(A photo of a boulder is shown before returning to the story)


End file.
